Pandemic moods
Light
Things are okay! This feeling is probably related to the sunshine and not really much else. I am calm and in control of my life. I am fabulous! I have my act together! I can exercise, get on top of my work, keep my house tidy, ride horses, and be the emotionally kind person people want (expect?) me to be. Yes, many things are tough, but I can persist. I am definitely okay.
Depression
I have been sitting staring at a screen all day. Everything is terrible. I have no ability to move my body or do anything. Bonus, I am also not great at doing anything we’d label productive. I can look at the news, take Buzzfeed quizzes, look at Imgur, and maybe occasionally answer an email. Then it’s back to advice columns. I cannot do anything. Everything vaguely hurts. I really can’t do anything. Everything is awful. And I feel so, so guilty. Things I feel guilty about include:
Getting ridiculously little done at work (could we actually talk about that for a minute? How in the hell do you know if you are getting enough done? What is enough? The work is never done, so how do you know? Am I doing a lot or a little and who is judging? Who is caring? Anyone? No one? Why do we work 40 hours when that is a holdover from the industrial revolution? Why is working at a computer so terrible? Am I just terrible? Is it just me?)
Not having energy to do chores around the house and letting the world around me slowly descend into a disaster
Having little energy to ride the horses
Giving my partner more to do
Having no emotions left for anyone
The fact that MY LIFE IS RELATIVELY GOOD and I still feel like garbage when I definitely should not
Anxiety
I wake up at three in the morning. The election will be a nightmare, the world will descend into chaos, and I don’t even know how to keep a chive plant alive. Should I start stockpiling seeds? How long do seeds last? Would that even matter considering how terrible I am at gardening? What about buying bleach? (Maybe I have six unused gallons in my hall closet. Don’t judge me.) Toilet paper? Yeast? Flour? I don’t even know. I start thirty Amazon searches and purchase nothing because I’m overwhelmed at the options. I gather all the hand sanitizer into a canvas sack and put it by the door like some kind of strange go-bag. Where would I even go? I buy more face masks. I think about the friends I know who know how to grow things. I think about the friends I know who have guns. I think about what I would use in my home as a weapon. Should I quit my job and study to become a nurse? Should we take all our money out of the stock market? What about all the terrible things that could happen? Statistically, some of them will happen, and I don’t even know which ones or how to prepare or what to do. Also, did you know we’re all going to die?
Boring
I feel SO boring now. “What did you do today?” “I rode horses.” “What did you do?” “I played a video game and went on a walk.” Rinse repeat times a million. What is there to do? And then I feel like a wet blanket because I’m not doing exciting things or up for doing exciting things. And technically, I don’t think we are supposed to be doing exciting things, but I bet you’re doing them anyways and I AM TOTALLY MISSING OUT and that makes me even more super boring and HALP!